To try or not to try

My husband and I have 3 kids. He has a 17-year-old, I have a 9-year-old, and we have a 4-year-old together. We were both young when we had our first kids. He was 19 when he had his daughter. I was 20 when I had mine. When we had our youngest it was better. I was 26 & he was 32. But even when we had our little one together it still was not planned like we talked about wanting to do. Now don't get me wrong, an unplanned pregnancy does not mean unwanted. Our girls are so special to us and we couldn't imagine our lives without them. After we had our daughter we really talked about it and decided that was it. Our family was complete & we had no plans to have any more. My husband had no problem with the idea of getting a vasectomy. After all, I'm the one that carried our daughter and gave birth to her (with no pain medication or drugs of any kind). He can handle a simple procedure. But, he continued to put it off. After a while we started talking about it and it became apparent that he wasn't really 100% sure if he wanted to be done. I knew I didn't want to have another child until we were married. I just felt strong about it. For a long time it was still back & forth. Should we or shouldn't we? He would love to try again to see if we could add a boy to our family. I'd like that too, but we know the odds are 50/50. But also, we agree that it would be nice to have another together and to plan it this time.

Well, we've been married now for 3 months, and yes, baby talks have been coming up again. I am 30, he will be 37 next month. It's now or never. Our youngest is 4, our oldest is getting close to 18. Yes, it's now or never. It's time to make a decision. What will this mean? Then all the good questions & bad questions come up. Do we have enough room in our house? Do we have enough money? We are almost done paying for daycare, we'll have to do it again. I had plans to learn to surf. I have girls beach trips & softball to play in the summer. Okay, really? I can miss all that. I can pick back up where I left off next year. But aside from what I can't do think of what I can do. I can nurture a life until it's healthy enough to live on it's own. Me, I can do that! What a miracle.

So, my husband is ready & leaving it up to me. He wants to if I want to. But he will totally respect it if I don't want to get pregnant again. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't enjoy being pregnant. Wasn't I just saying great things? Okay, weight gain, growing belly, so uncomfortable! The things we do for our kids. It's starts at conception doesn't it? But I do want to have another child with him. And yes, we hope for a boy, but pray for a healthy child. So, the decision has been made. We are going to try. I've gone online to check ovulation calendars to see when the best time to try would be, and we gave it a shot this month. Now it's a waiting game.

I've never done it this way before. It's so different. To actually plan it all out. I don't know how I'm going to feel when next month rolls around and I'm not pregnant. I think I could handle it once, but how could I take it month after month? I know that so many people go through it. I've just never been there, so I can't say I know how it feels or that I understand, because I don't.

Well, that's it for now. Wish us luck! Hopefully we'll be bringing a beautiful healthy baby into the world in 2010.