WTF?

Okay, so....I swore that I was suppose to start on the 25th. As I said before I jumped the gun & took a PT early, came out negative. Since I didn't start on the 25th I took one again on the 26th, again, negative. Now here it is the 29th, I still haven't started, don't really want to take another test just so I can be told "negative". WTF??? Could it be that I'm stressing myself out so much that my period isn't coming either!!!

I know I just need to calm down, seriously, it's only been two months! I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say it's when they are actually trying that it seems to be the hardest time to conceive. I guess when it happens it just happens, when you're trying you're so aware of every little thing.

I wish I had more to write tonight, but it's late, I'm ready for bed. Thanks for letting me get my frustrations out. :o)

Jumped the gun

Well, I did it...I took a pregnancy test today. 5 days before I said I was going to. It's probably a bit too early anyway. But I just couldn't help myself this time. Can you tell by my "unexcitedness" that there was only 1 line instead of two. For those of you who don't know that means "Not Pregnant"!!! Bummer!!! I thought for sure this was it. I was humbled by the first "not pregnant" & now I have to do it again! SHIT!!! So not fair. Every time it gets me second guessing. Do I really want to do this? How long do we keep trying? We're not getting any younger here! My husband just turned 37! My kids aren't getting any younger either. Kendra is just around the corner from 18. Potentially she could be the one having babies soon! Holy Moly! That's one thing I know I DON'T want. A child & a grandchild at the same time. I don't care if I am only 30.

Well, until next time. Maybe next month I'll have some better news! :o)

I'm Doing It AGAIN!

Here it is, 5 days away from when I'm suppose to start. I'm torn between taking a test, or just waiting it out. It's so funny how the smallest things get you thinking too if you're pregnant. Like last night, it was quite strange, but last night I fell asleep on the couch. I got up sometime in the middle of the night & went up stairs to go to bed. As I got up I started feelin very hot & sweaty. And also very naseous. I laid down & went right back to sleep & am totally fine. HUH?

Guess I just better wait until Christmas. :o)

Daddy's Girls

My last post was all about my husbands doubts on having another baby. So yesterday morning Brielle & I were in the shower. We had the music on & we were singing at the top of our lungs. He comes into the bathroom & peeks in the shower curtain with a big smile. He said "You guys are so precious. I wouldn't even care if I had another girl. My girls are sweet". Awwwwwww. How sweet is he? I know how bad he would like to have a boy, but it's nice to hear that his girls are his whole world regardless. And yes, we are still trying :o) ~ I'm sure doubts will continue to come up until it actually happens.

Is he changing his mind?

Tonight Tommy & I went out to dinner. We were talking about getting pregnant and he asked about my work and if I get paid and how much time I'd have off. I told him that I will have to use any vacation time that I have (which isn't a lot), but could probably get it up to 1.5 to 2 weeks. And also that I have 12 weeks that is protected. Other than that it would be 2 months that would not be paid. But if I had to I'd go back to work at 6 weeks :o( and hopefully he could take a week or two off.

This conversation turned a light bulb on for him. He says "Maybe we should've thought about all that before we started trying". I said, holding the tears back, "I did! Maybe YOU should have thought about it!" The thing is that we've had all these types of conversations about daycare & space in our house, diapers again, baby stuff we no longer have because we swore we were done. It's going to be an added expense, but we can make it work. We always have and people in general always do. It was just heart breaking that here we are in the middle of trying & he's throwing out these doubts again!

For years we've been back & forth with the idea of having another baby. We've gotten to a place in our lives where now seems to be the time to do it. And I've gotten excited about the thought of being pregnant again. Okay, not really, I'm not a happy pregnant woman (it's so uncomfortable). But the miracle of it all. Me carrying a child, nurturing it until it can survive on it's own, and then holding it in my arms. I'm excited that this could be a possibility again. He could tell how much it hurt to even talk about NOT trying anymore. So I guess we're back to trying again. We kind of just dropped the conversation. I'm guessing it'll come up soon (like tomorrow).

Possible Chirstmas Present?

Tommy made a comment to me last night about having a baby. He said something about "trying" again. I told him I don't want to try & plan, I just want it to happen. But of course I had to check things out on the computer again. See what "they" say as far as when the best days are. It just seems too soon for me for some reason. Anyway, doesn't matter. I thought what was cool though was that according to my cycle I should start my period on Christmas Day. Meaning, if we do conceive this go 'round I would wait until Christmas Day to take a pregnancy test. Wouldn't that be the very best Christmas present ever?

I feel like we're playing this waiting game now, that I almost don't even know what to write!

But know this....to my unconceived child, your sisters are already talking about you. They can't wait until you join our family. Your dad & I can't wait either. But we know you'll be here only when the time is right for you and for our family.

Not our time...just not yet

I don't know how some people do it. Those who try & try to get pregnant and just can't. Those who want a baby so badly. Just one child. One sweet precious bundle of joy to hold in their arms, to nurture and watch grow. To teach them everything they know. Pass on family traditions and a family name.

I have been pregnant twice, together my husband and I are raising 3 beautiful healthy girls. Up until a few months ago we weren't even 100% sure if we wanted to add to our family. We've made the decision that we do, we want to have another child together. Our Father God and Mother Nature have decided that this first go-round isn't for us. I was so certain that if we just tried it would happen. It would just be that easy. Ha Ha Ha...guess not. I did cry today, but I'm okay with it now. I guess it's all for the best right? Everything happens for a reason. Plus, this will avoid us having another August birthday. (Always have to find an optimistic side)

Yes, I am disappointed, but at the same time it is very humbling. It also makes me feel even more ready. And I will be even more grateful when the right time comes.