WTF?

Okay, so....I swore that I was suppose to start on the 25th. As I said before I jumped the gun & took a PT early, came out negative. Since I didn't start on the 25th I took one again on the 26th, again, negative. Now here it is the 29th, I still haven't started, don't really want to take another test just so I can be told "negative". WTF??? Could it be that I'm stressing myself out so much that my period isn't coming either!!!

I know I just need to calm down, seriously, it's only been two months! I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say it's when they are actually trying that it seems to be the hardest time to conceive. I guess when it happens it just happens, when you're trying you're so aware of every little thing.

I wish I had more to write tonight, but it's late, I'm ready for bed. Thanks for letting me get my frustrations out. :o)

Jumped the gun

Well, I did it...I took a pregnancy test today. 5 days before I said I was going to. It's probably a bit too early anyway. But I just couldn't help myself this time. Can you tell by my "unexcitedness" that there was only 1 line instead of two. For those of you who don't know that means "Not Pregnant"!!! Bummer!!! I thought for sure this was it. I was humbled by the first "not pregnant" & now I have to do it again! SHIT!!! So not fair. Every time it gets me second guessing. Do I really want to do this? How long do we keep trying? We're not getting any younger here! My husband just turned 37! My kids aren't getting any younger either. Kendra is just around the corner from 18. Potentially she could be the one having babies soon! Holy Moly! That's one thing I know I DON'T want. A child & a grandchild at the same time. I don't care if I am only 30.

Well, until next time. Maybe next month I'll have some better news! :o)

I'm Doing It AGAIN!

Here it is, 5 days away from when I'm suppose to start. I'm torn between taking a test, or just waiting it out. It's so funny how the smallest things get you thinking too if you're pregnant. Like last night, it was quite strange, but last night I fell asleep on the couch. I got up sometime in the middle of the night & went up stairs to go to bed. As I got up I started feelin very hot & sweaty. And also very naseous. I laid down & went right back to sleep & am totally fine. HUH?

Guess I just better wait until Christmas. :o)

Daddy's Girls

My last post was all about my husbands doubts on having another baby. So yesterday morning Brielle & I were in the shower. We had the music on & we were singing at the top of our lungs. He comes into the bathroom & peeks in the shower curtain with a big smile. He said "You guys are so precious. I wouldn't even care if I had another girl. My girls are sweet". Awwwwwww. How sweet is he? I know how bad he would like to have a boy, but it's nice to hear that his girls are his whole world regardless. And yes, we are still trying :o) ~ I'm sure doubts will continue to come up until it actually happens.

Is he changing his mind?

Tonight Tommy & I went out to dinner. We were talking about getting pregnant and he asked about my work and if I get paid and how much time I'd have off. I told him that I will have to use any vacation time that I have (which isn't a lot), but could probably get it up to 1.5 to 2 weeks. And also that I have 12 weeks that is protected. Other than that it would be 2 months that would not be paid. But if I had to I'd go back to work at 6 weeks :o( and hopefully he could take a week or two off.

This conversation turned a light bulb on for him. He says "Maybe we should've thought about all that before we started trying". I said, holding the tears back, "I did! Maybe YOU should have thought about it!" The thing is that we've had all these types of conversations about daycare & space in our house, diapers again, baby stuff we no longer have because we swore we were done. It's going to be an added expense, but we can make it work. We always have and people in general always do. It was just heart breaking that here we are in the middle of trying & he's throwing out these doubts again!

For years we've been back & forth with the idea of having another baby. We've gotten to a place in our lives where now seems to be the time to do it. And I've gotten excited about the thought of being pregnant again. Okay, not really, I'm not a happy pregnant woman (it's so uncomfortable). But the miracle of it all. Me carrying a child, nurturing it until it can survive on it's own, and then holding it in my arms. I'm excited that this could be a possibility again. He could tell how much it hurt to even talk about NOT trying anymore. So I guess we're back to trying again. We kind of just dropped the conversation. I'm guessing it'll come up soon (like tomorrow).

Possible Chirstmas Present?

Tommy made a comment to me last night about having a baby. He said something about "trying" again. I told him I don't want to try & plan, I just want it to happen. But of course I had to check things out on the computer again. See what "they" say as far as when the best days are. It just seems too soon for me for some reason. Anyway, doesn't matter. I thought what was cool though was that according to my cycle I should start my period on Christmas Day. Meaning, if we do conceive this go 'round I would wait until Christmas Day to take a pregnancy test. Wouldn't that be the very best Christmas present ever?

I feel like we're playing this waiting game now, that I almost don't even know what to write!

But know this....to my unconceived child, your sisters are already talking about you. They can't wait until you join our family. Your dad & I can't wait either. But we know you'll be here only when the time is right for you and for our family.

Not our time...just not yet

I don't know how some people do it. Those who try & try to get pregnant and just can't. Those who want a baby so badly. Just one child. One sweet precious bundle of joy to hold in their arms, to nurture and watch grow. To teach them everything they know. Pass on family traditions and a family name.

I have been pregnant twice, together my husband and I are raising 3 beautiful healthy girls. Up until a few months ago we weren't even 100% sure if we wanted to add to our family. We've made the decision that we do, we want to have another child together. Our Father God and Mother Nature have decided that this first go-round isn't for us. I was so certain that if we just tried it would happen. It would just be that easy. Ha Ha Ha...guess not. I did cry today, but I'm okay with it now. I guess it's all for the best right? Everything happens for a reason. Plus, this will avoid us having another August birthday. (Always have to find an optimistic side)

Yes, I am disappointed, but at the same time it is very humbling. It also makes me feel even more ready. And I will be even more grateful when the right time comes.

Patiently waiting...trying to be at least

If I'm calculating things correctly I should start my period in 4-6 days. Which totally makes sense because I cried watching Tinker Bell last night. Which always happens (crying, no matter what it is) right before I get ready to start. So, that being said, since that did happen (right on schedule), I'm thinking I'm probably not pregnant yet. Also, I've been telling myself for the last week that I don't think it's going to happen yet. I think it's my defense mechanism, just in case. That way I'm not so let down.

I'm heading out the door to go to Bi-Mart. In which I will probably pick up a pregnancy test and take it anyway. That First Response one says it can detect up to 5 days before your missed period. Soooo...well, I don't know if I'll use it or not. If I can just hold out for 5 more days I'll be closer to knowing.

Until next time....

Anxiously waiting

Well, I called the Dr. I was interested in seeing and she is not taking new patients right now. I'm super bummed. I'm thinking about calling back to see if there is a waiting list to be put on. I'm sure I have some time to spare, although, it would be nice to see someone before hand.

I took the initiative to talk to Kendra about her dad & I having a baby. She was good w/ it. She said the only thing that would be a bummer is that she will be leaving for college & won't have a good opportunity to get to know her sibling. But all & all she's excited.

We asked Brielle is she wanted a baby in the family. She said she wanted 2 baby brothers & 2 baby sisters. LOL! We told her that wasn't going to happen. I think she'll just be happy to have someone younger than her to grow up with.

I've also started telling more friends that we were going to start trying again. Even though some of then think I'm absolutely crazy, they are all very excited as well. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'm anxiously waiting for early December. I should start (or not start) my period somewhere around the 5th. It's only 2 weeks away. I know the chances of it happening on our first try are probably low, but I'm still very anxious. I try to relax about it though. It is what it is.

Taking "baby" steps

Today I called my Primary Care Dr. to see if I should discontinue taking the medication I am on. I'm currently taking an SSRI. In other words, an anti-depressent. It's really helped, but I've been taking it for a while, so hopefully I won't go too crazy w/out it. The advise was to stop taking it, so I will continue to stop taking it. I've been off it for at least a week. I was never good at taking it daily anyway. I also placed a call to a Dr. that two of my friends have seen for their pregnancies. I hear she's really good, so if she's available I'm gonna give it a go. However, just so happens that the office is closed on Thursdays, so I'll try again tomorrow morning.

A few nights ago I had a conversation w/ my 9-year-old. She is one of those kids who is so sweet, but also needs to constantly know that she is loved. I didn't want her to feel like a new addition would push her away, or that she wouldn't get the attention she needs. Also, a new baby would mean eventually she would have to give her room up and move downstairs. She would be the only one downstairs. That can't be a good feeling. So I had to tread lightly. And with her, well, she doesn't like suprises in that regard. She needs time to prepare. Ends up she's good w/ the idea. After I told her what a wonderful big sister she already is. And that with a room downstairs she will have more privacy. Currently our oldest is in that room, but with her plans to go to college in the fall, the room will be availalbe.

I talked to my husband last night about him talking to her (our oldest). It never even crossed his mind. I told him I will do it, but I think it would mean more coming from him. Or, we can both do it together, which might be the best option. I guess I'm just feeling like I want them to know. Since it's a decision that will affect us all at some level. I just like being open & having it out there.

I haven't talked to my parents about it yet. I figure it's just one of those things that will come up in conversation. I'm not going to place a special phone call just to let them know that we've decided to start trying. It's not like we're even pregnant yet. It really could take quite a while.

I've told a few friends, not many though. Oh how I want to send my blog link to everyone. I just haven't gathered the courage to put it out there like that yet. :)

To try or not to try

My husband and I have 3 kids. He has a 17-year-old, I have a 9-year-old, and we have a 4-year-old together. We were both young when we had our first kids. He was 19 when he had his daughter. I was 20 when I had mine. When we had our youngest it was better. I was 26 & he was 32. But even when we had our little one together it still was not planned like we talked about wanting to do. Now don't get me wrong, an unplanned pregnancy does not mean unwanted. Our girls are so special to us and we couldn't imagine our lives without them. After we had our daughter we really talked about it and decided that was it. Our family was complete & we had no plans to have any more. My husband had no problem with the idea of getting a vasectomy. After all, I'm the one that carried our daughter and gave birth to her (with no pain medication or drugs of any kind). He can handle a simple procedure. But, he continued to put it off. After a while we started talking about it and it became apparent that he wasn't really 100% sure if he wanted to be done. I knew I didn't want to have another child until we were married. I just felt strong about it. For a long time it was still back & forth. Should we or shouldn't we? He would love to try again to see if we could add a boy to our family. I'd like that too, but we know the odds are 50/50. But also, we agree that it would be nice to have another together and to plan it this time.

Well, we've been married now for 3 months, and yes, baby talks have been coming up again. I am 30, he will be 37 next month. It's now or never. Our youngest is 4, our oldest is getting close to 18. Yes, it's now or never. It's time to make a decision. What will this mean? Then all the good questions & bad questions come up. Do we have enough room in our house? Do we have enough money? We are almost done paying for daycare, we'll have to do it again. I had plans to learn to surf. I have girls beach trips & softball to play in the summer. Okay, really? I can miss all that. I can pick back up where I left off next year. But aside from what I can't do think of what I can do. I can nurture a life until it's healthy enough to live on it's own. Me, I can do that! What a miracle.

So, my husband is ready & leaving it up to me. He wants to if I want to. But he will totally respect it if I don't want to get pregnant again. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't enjoy being pregnant. Wasn't I just saying great things? Okay, weight gain, growing belly, so uncomfortable! The things we do for our kids. It's starts at conception doesn't it? But I do want to have another child with him. And yes, we hope for a boy, but pray for a healthy child. So, the decision has been made. We are going to try. I've gone online to check ovulation calendars to see when the best time to try would be, and we gave it a shot this month. Now it's a waiting game.

I've never done it this way before. It's so different. To actually plan it all out. I don't know how I'm going to feel when next month rolls around and I'm not pregnant. I think I could handle it once, but how could I take it month after month? I know that so many people go through it. I've just never been there, so I can't say I know how it feels or that I understand, because I don't.

Well, that's it for now. Wish us luck! Hopefully we'll be bringing a beautiful healthy baby into the world in 2010.